Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I have Tolio. It’s a hideous disease of the foot. I have the ugliest feet in the world and no, I will not sicken you with a foto. I call it Tolio because of an old joke. Wanna hear it? Hear goes:

There was a newlywed couple in their fabulous hotel room on the wedding night. The blushing bride excuses herself to the bathroom and comes out in a dazzling see through negligee. She looks at her new husband and he’s fully dressed.
“Can I help you take you shoes off?” she offers.
“I have something to tell you that I should have told you before,” he said. “I had Tolio as a kid and my feet are a terrible thing to behold.”
The bride figures she’s married the guy and how bad can it be. “Come on, honey. Take your shoes off! I’m your bride and I love you. I didn’t marry you for your feet.”
The groom takes his shoes off and the bride is about to hurl. She gathers her strength and says, “Come on, honey…take off your pants.”
The groom is reluctant. “I should have mentioned this before, but when I was a kid, I had Kneesils. My knees are horribly disfigured.”
The bride has already began to accept his horrible feet. “Come on, honey. Take your pants off! I’m your bride and I love you. I didn’t marry you for your knees.”
The groom takes off his pants and the bride is bilious. She’d never seen anything so hideous, but…she loved the man. She gathered her strength again. “Come on, honey. Take off your underwear.”
“I have something I should have told you before,” he said.
The bride crimsoned. “Don’t tell me you had smallcox!”

My knees are ok and my cox is more than ok. But…I have Tolio.
The device in the photo above is a nail clipper. A radical toe nail clipper. When I climb, I need a close shave in the toenail department. Really close. Cutting my nails before a climb is a heinous task. I keep my clippers in my daypack so I won’t misplace them. I always know where they are.
On Monday I had to go to the City and County of Denver office to pay my sales tax. (I have a small business.) First I visited the Wellington Webb Denver City Office whatsit that looks like Noah’s Ark. They x-rayed my daypack and saw the clippers. “Do you carry wire cutters?” they asked.
“No. They’re nail clippers.”
“Those are wire cutters!!!” the guy said.
“Look at them! They’re nail clippers.”
He did a “haromph” and admitted the were nail clippers.
Ended up, I was in the wrong building! I headed to the olde City and County office known as the Civic Center and was put through the x-ray process again.
This time it was a woman and the conversation was basically the same…except when she saw the clippers, she asked, “Where did you get those!!!”
They let me in with them. I really could have cut some cables. But why?
Sometimes I feel like the Elephant Man screaming, “I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!!”
Only I’m screaming, “I am not a terrorist! I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a United States Citizen!!”

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